Pouty Picture Chicks

Pouty Picture Chicks. Oh you know who you are. The internet's large and forgiving arms have been burdened with girls who like to get together and pout and take pictures of themselves, holding the camera far above their heads.

This practice finds its origins in ancient swamp dwelling humans. Where it was common for women to sit around and pout. This lured unsuspecting ducks (drakes, technically) who were under the impression that it was in fact a hot duck with a glorious beak, who was beckoning them. And the ducks used to run forth in slow motion with a 60's rock song in their head (60's rock was available that time. Very few people realize that 60's rock songs are timeless, but more on that some other time), and they would then be killed for being 'a dumb duck' or 'a stupid duck'. Strong expletives at the time, but these phrases were the origins of the phrases 'you dumb/stupid fuck'. I'm serious. I was there.

As we've all studied in history, the church suppressed this practice, in the early 1200's, an effeminate Pope Jules II is known to have said on this matter "That's mean. Don't do that."
Not that I'm complaining. The way I write might lead you to believe that I have a problem with pouty picture chicks, but the fact is I support the ppc (pouty picture chicks, it's another new thing). The thing is that I speculate their numbers in billions and using rigorous mathematical proof I have concluded that PPCs will destroy the internet. 

Mathematical Proof
The internet can handle 1 billion ppc uploads per day.
One day there'll be more pictures than the 'net can handle' and that's the day the net collapses and goes back to its ancestral home, Mozambique.
This is based on the assumption that you won't look this up. And the reason you won't look any of this up is that you've already established facts in your minds without looking them up, and those facts only got jammed in your minds because of the assumption that you hadn't looked them up. And therefore, to reform your opinion, you need a time machine. And I have the keys. Suck it.

No one appears to know the motive of the PPCs at this time. Ducks don't roam wild anymore, they're more subdued, the suffering of their ancestors reflected in the new musical rage, soulful enchanting-duck-music, or edm.
The church doesn't seem to care about their activities this time.
So what's their plan? Well that's one of a few things I have no answer for. 
You got a hint? Drop the words in that nifty little box below!

FB Protocol

Web 2.0 has risen like a giant tsunami, the kind where the 't' is pronounced. That's the meanest of tsunamis. While you people praised the revolution, I recognised the possible terrors possible. If it doesn't strike you immediately (and it won't!), I shall break it down.

WEB 2.0: User generated content. That means everyone gets to say what they want and put it on the net. Just imagine if you gave someone with mildly wild, unnatural ideas a blog. Imagine the kind of nonsense you might have to read! Oh and seventeen is an evil number.

SOCIAL NETWORKING: The word networking makes people happy for some reason, but it won't if you think about it. There's nothing particularly exciting about nets and nobody likes working, plus both these things are made to trap people. Ever wonder why you are on facebook all the time? That's why!

Before getting down to the itty bitty nitty gritty (always fun to say!) we must look to the always marginalized; the required background.

The Wicked: Social networking can be wicked in a very required background kind of way. There's a sea of philosophy related marginalized/background jokes to be made here, but I'll spare you. To display the extent of evil-ness, consider a pen lying on a table. Now turn it in your mind. No, anticlockwise. How'd that feel? Now think about the weirdness inflicted by social networking.

~ The Lies:  You are actually friends with 40% of your friend list. Don't lie, because this is true, plus people burn in hell for that shit. Lying is bad. You would be acquainted with 35% more (this is a generous statistic).

The remaining 25% of people are not your friends. But they are on the internet, not in the sense that they're doomed to exist forever only in cyberspace, but rather the fact that they are your friend, is limited to your social networking site of choice. You don't talk to them, but both you and them have acknowledged that you are in fact, friends. What does this mean? The internet makes you a liar, and didn't I tell you people go to hell for that shit? Do you want to go to hell? Do you? You don't?

THE RULES:

Taking a longwinded path back to our topic, I present you once more with our hitherto unresolved issue. Since the combo of web 2.0 and social networking enables you to tell everyone what you wish, I feel I should lay down some rules (if you think I might be a bit late in this regard, remember this - It is never late). Do you know one? I thought so! So I'll write them down.

1. Having a picture of a celebrity as a profile picture will not fool people into thinking that you look like Gerard Butler. Simply because you don't. Just stand in front of the mirror and yell "THIS IS SPARTAA" and kick it with your foot. All you will feel is pain, and if you don't, kick harder.

2. Liking someone else's misfortune is cruel and sadistic, but can be passed off as funny, provided that it is.

3.  Do not tag people in photos in which they are not present. This is a detestable act. Imagine the existential crises you impose on someone by tagging them in a picture of table, a signpost, some Goddamn cartoon, or some other asinine object.

4. If you feel the need to ask someone to "make friendships" with them on any social networking site, resist it. This will not work. Because -

a) You can't be many friends with the same person.

b) It's creepy as hell.

c) See b)

5. Emoticons and/or Smileys: This is of extreme relevance not with respect to only social networking sites, but with respect to any text-driven form of communication. I don't know who invented them, but the reason is simple enough; to convey the tone of words in your text.

For those of you who don't know the difference between emoticons and smileys, refer to Wikipedia. 

The emoticon trap is the worst trap of them all; here's how it goes -

- You start out innocently, sending a smiley face with your message. But the tone of your message doesn't relate to you smiling at all, you're just being polite, so you pop a smiley in there. It isn't hurting anyone, and look, it just added that little zing to your message.       eg: Hey, what's up? :-)

- You sent other neutral message, but now the basis for neutrality has been established. A normal level of happiness, is associated with that one smiley. So you're continuing casual conversation, but you can't leave that smiley out otherwise the other person might think somethings wrong. Now the smiley is on all your normal messages.     eg:  Nothing,  just passing time! :-) 



- An event occurs and you wish to express happiness. You smile, but a smiley is already present in your message, conveying neutral tone. So you add another smiley, now you're actually smiling.     eg:  Yup, he fell straight down the stairs :-) :-) :-)

- Now you've been putting the smileys at one standard place, but you realise different sentences in the body of your text require different associated degrees of smileys. Now the smileys are all over your message.    eg: yes, I'm also thinking about hair implants :p :-) She says I'll have shinier hair :-) :-) :D It made me happy enough to get a haircut :D :D :D



- The degree of happiness increases, you use multiple smileys, it's getting ugly, but there's no way around it. You're screwed.      eg: omg, I love commenting on this afewkeystrokes blog! :D :D :D I love those references to the lack of comments on the blog!! :-) :p The blogger just comes across as desperate! :P :D :-) :D

Please leave a comment, otherwise I'll tell everyone how much you really really want to go to heaven.

Think the ending is abrupt. Go on, add me on facebook. Oh, you can add me on facebook here.

Goodbye.

How to: Write Love Stories

Love stories do big business, like a labrador on laxatives, behind a bush. (For that matter, labradors don't care!) I assume because romance stories wouldn't be terribly difficult to write and/or make, so everyone would be happy!
They also portray romance and men in a way that appeals to women, both of those portrayals being huge amounts of never going to happen.

Since years of cynicism and hostel food have blackened my heart to the most extreme of unromantic extents, I decided to do a bit of research before I got around writing this. And then I made a startling discovery.

Love stories are pretty much porno with words!

While I hear you gasp "words, but why?" I must agree that it's that classy kind of porn. The kind you never watch? That kind.

I really have seen almost every romance movie ever made (after I was born, I mean. I'm into old songs not movies!) and I also read a couple of those cheesy books... I slowly started to figure out what the first one is like, how it'd end. Then I saw some more until I got the way they work.

By now you would've figured that I started to write one, I mean, I'm not sell-out, but a bit of money can't hurt. As generous and giving as I am, I present you with the means to write a love story yourself, in easily illustrated illustrations.

1. The Setting: The general setting, I suggest, must be as improbable as possible. Not to the extent of intergalactic tragic tale of two species and how difficulties arise when their genitalia don't line up (that's currently my idea) What I mean is add some bits of improbability to your initial idea of what you wanted to write about.

School? College? Put some vampires in there. Vamps are good and versatile. You can bring them up in your story any time, every time.

Work? Neighbourhood? A new employee or neighbour. Or maybe a robot who could develops feelings for you where you work.

If however, your imagination couldn't run wild and you came up with zero ideas of a setting, then what to do? A Ranch. Or an isolated farm house near to which an entire group of women have recently migrated. 

It's not a necessity though. If you want your audiences to cry at the end, keep the setting simple and give one or two characters a terminal disease. Cancer, heart ailment, Parkinsons. Anything will do. Avoid AIDS though, it's still a touchy subject (yeah, I know!)

The simple formula is: Cancer/Heart ailment/(Any terminal disease) = Sadness = Tears

2. The Protagonist: Your protagonist should be female. No, she must be female no matter what. Women who wish to write such kind of novels may project them as they intend. 
You think that's sexist? Go get me a sandwich. No, I'm kidding (I'm hungry though!) But here's a quote of Robert Pattinson about Stephenie Meyer (of Twilight (sh/f)ame) -

"When I read it I was convinced Stephenie thought she was Bella and it was like reading a book that was never supposed to be published. It was like reading her fantasy, especially when she said it was based on a dream and it was like "Oh I had a dream about this really sexy guy" and she just wrote a book about it. Some things about Edward are so specific, I was convinced that 'This woman is mad.' She's absolutely mad and she's in love with her own fictional creation. And sometimes you would feel uncomfortable reading this thing."

If however you're not a woman (and you'd probably know if you weren't) you may derive inspiration from many sources in your life, like all successful authors do. Big deal.

3. The Man: He must  be kind, sensitive, caring, compassionate, dashing, a mix of arrogant and asshole at times, and has a blog. But that's enough about me! Love interests in your movie story should relate to your previously decided setting. I again, present you with a few ideas - 

He's an asshole when first met.

He's absolutely hot. (Can choke people to death by telekinesis)

A hidden caring nature is later revealed. (He has puppies!)

Performs heroic task(s). (Saves your puppies from getting under the bus!)

A strong emotional connect is later made. 

He's an asshole again! (Cheating/Drinking/Gambling/Broken promises. FTW!)

Things somehow work out in the end (Marriage!) or he dies. (Depends on the setting)

I'm into the tragic-type stories. So in my story the man dies in the end (But that's just me, maybe I'm some sort of sadistic!) But do your thing. If you like the type of endings when they get married and fast forward 10 years have 5 kids rolling around the house, then write about that. You understand that this kind of ending is not suitable for gay/lesbian marriages (kids!?) 


4. Family conflicts: This one's make or break. This is the shit which will give your story the extra mileage. And by family I mean your parents, siblings, relatives, aunt(s) (specially!), relatives of aunt(s). 
I say, anybody who you think can fuck up the scene between your love-birds should and must be added to the story. What's love without a few hardships!? I again present you with a few ideas - 

Your parents don't like him/her. No reasons.

Your sibling hit her car with his/her. Sibling can be older or younger, but a clash of the girl/ boy with your younger sibling adds that much more spunk in your story. Elder siblings are shown as understanding and giving (ask me!) so a clash with them won't yield anything.

An aunt saw her having fun (read in an indecent way) and one thing leads to another and your parents know about that. Shit.

The girl/boy isn't (Put marathi, punjabi, bengali, kashmiri, bihari, brahmin, tamilian, christian, hindu, muslim as per your setting)

The family can also say -
For the girl: She's westernised. Not cultured enough.
For the boy: He doesn't earn enough. Acts like a bull on the loose!
'No family values' is a phrase which can be used by the parents of both boy and girl (or if your story is gay then that's different. Use your imagination!)

5. Love Making: This subject also has the power to make or break your movie. I wouldn't have mentioned this but as giving as I am, I wanted you to not have the incomplete formula. So let's get it over quickly.
All the love making must only be called love making. Other phrases (yep, exactly what you think) are disapproved. Not to mention that the love making must be spontaneous, explosive and feisty.

This is where we get to the sticky part (I always intend puns like that) The description of the love making shouldn't be over-the-top and should not contain stuff that has huge amounts of never going to happen! Everything else is good. Let your imagination run wild.

Those are the tips I have for you. They may seem a few in number, but that proves my original point that stories like these are distinctly easy to write. I would've finished this off with a small story of my own, but I'm a busy man (No, not really. But lazy, really lazy!) I leave the writing part to you.

There's a nifty chat/comment box below this post, so don't be afraid to use it. Only a blogger can understand the irrational need for comments.