How to find your passion!?

Hello, reader of digests! You return once again with your unceasing whining and alarming premature hair loss. This time you are upset because you want to find your passion. You stare aimlessly around your place of work, throwing crumpled up pieces of paper into a dustbin like in a Hollywood movie. No one asks you if everything is okay because everyone is like you. If only you had your passion, you whisper into your tub of ice cream, then everything would be okay.

Well, have no fear insufferable whiner, because once again I leverage business words synergistically to jump to your rescue. I have not only found my passion, but have even tracked and found other people’s passions (for a small fee). 

I am most passionate about finding passions. Once passions are found then only can I relax and wipe the beads of sweat off of my brow. “You aren’t getting away this time, passion!” I joke, as I chase passions. My passion laughs as well. We’re at that place now where we can joke about things.

My passion and I have been through slumps and peaks, highs and lows. Sometimes we don’t speak for days, but because I always know where to find my passion, we always patch things up. We’re best friends. Almost lovers. Okay lovers. But I didn’t ask for your judgement. Like you’re perfect? What I do with my passion in the privacy of the tree in my backyard is my own business. Well it’s not really my backyard, it’s common to the apartment I live in, yet no one complains. 

When my old neighbors see me from their balconies, climbing up the tree every morning, they say to each other “that boy, that boy is following his passions” and then they make out furiously with each other. 

But let us not get side tracked. Before we can move on we must first ask ourselves a fundamental question.

Where is your passion?

Did you lose it in school or college? Is it in the inside pocket of your jacket -ah you didn’t think to look there did you? It’s not there? Well that’s a bummer because that would’ve really helped. But if your passion is not in an easily locatable place then we must use other methods of passion finding.

I have collated a list of passion finding methods below:

1) Quit your job:

The simplest way to find your passion is to quit your job. You have a job. How is one supposed to find a passion when they have a job? There you’re just another brick in the whatever material your office building is made of. You see what I’m saying. 

You were put on this earth for a reason and unless you can only move diagonally, then that purpose is to not capture the white King and you are not a chess piece. Not having a job will leave you with more time to try things and discover your purpose. 

How will you know once you’ve found it? Well upon the discovery of your passion you will be visited by the passion registration squad, a crack team of people who all resemble white text on sepia pictures of a sunset. They will knight you with your honorary hashtag which you can then display with pride. #Wanderlust. And that brings me neatly to my next point.

2) Travel:

Nature seeks order, abhors a vacuum and includes trees. Go out and seek it!

They say if you travel far enough, you meet yourself. I wouldn’t go that far. I’ve run in to you once or twice and you’re not that great. Make sure you travel a reasonable distance from home, though.

A wise man once said that if you’re going somewhere then you are no longer where you used to be. When you aren’t where you were and are uncomfortable in buses at a national or international scale, your body releases anti-passion particles that will attract your passion towards you. 

You can visit the wonderful places you’ve seen in pictures and substantiate that photographs are an accurate representation of reality. Places look how they’re supposed to, but larger because it’s not a photograph and you’re really there. Uncomfortable travel to witness what the earth is supposed to look like while spending your money and meeting vacant idiots from other countries will help you find your passion. Not all those who wander are lost, but it’s a pretty high percentage, and your fellow companions will surely introduce you to the next step in your journey. 

3) Art:

Okay, so the mistake you’ve been making is that you’ve been in the wrong field altogether. Haha! You laugh to yourself and move to a meadow. Welcome to the beautiful world of the arts. You slowly realise that passion means painting, music, poetry or literature. It is a little known fact that the arts are just enjoyment through and through. Writers, painters and musicians have such happy fulfilling lives that they don’t repeatedly have substance abuse issues and commit suicide! If at any time your artistic endeavour seems boring or you are not instantly creating masterpieces, then you must abandon this completely. But if you did that that means what’s up next is-

4) Regret:

It’s been three months since you quit your job and…haha. It’s weird to be at home all the time right? Yeah it is weird. You would hang out with your friends, but they all have jobs. So you’re finished with the travel thing and the art thing and is it possible to not have a passion? 

You laugh it off. Of course not. Of course not. Of course you have a passion. You just have to find it. You’ve almost finished all your money though. 

You laugh again, you’re not sure why this time. You look at the wallpaper on your phone. A blue pastel sunset with white text “In the end we only regret the chances we didn’t take”. Like keeping a job and holding on to your savings and buying a house and a small dog.

Your tub of ice cream pats you gingerly on the shoulder. We’ve come full circle, friend, it says. It might be time to-

5) Settle:

Nothing is worth it if you aren’t happy, but you’ll never be happy, so everything is worth it.

Your job grudgingly takes you back and after a while people stop laughing at you as the asshole who went to Bhutan for six months and came back. It’s okay to fail. You realise that some people have to be employees and there is no shame in that. It’s great to want to be a leader but if everyone did that there would be no one to lead. Followers get to yawn and complain and elect leaders and then later burn them at the stake. There is strength in disdain and disdain only in numbers.

You don’t like being your own boss or your own employee, let someone else do that shit. You like a stress free life where a guaranteed amount of money comes on a specific date and that is a-OK.

You clock in and clock out and get drunk sometimes and that is a pretty great life. 

Round pegs can fit in square holes. Just find bigger holes.

6) Widespread fame:

Just kidding! You almost fell for that one. You quit your job and find your passion immediately after and are able to capture it with your last Poké ball. You are met with instant fame and acclaim, and have no need to fight the thoughts of where does one go from here, and what was the point of all this and why did I even start doing this. You are not insecure about losing your acceptance, are completely immune to widespread criticism and adjust perfectly to becoming a public figure. More avenues for success open up but you don’t wonder what the point of any of it is. People of your preferred gender feed you grapes from above in fulfilment of your ancient fantasy. Life is pretty great.
Your tub of ice cream lies sad and alone, untouched since your tryst with success. It raises a small strawberry hand, "revenge..."

                                                                                    THE END

Return of the cockroaches

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE DIRECTED BY YOUR MOTHER.

Okay, not really. But it is a very cool thing to say. Now getting swiftly back to the topic, which of course was:

Your Mom

Ok, that's enough. Now watch this segue to our actual topic of discussion:

Rajendra

This is a continuation of the last blog post, so go read it if you haven't, otherwise you will be attacked by popcorn in a dark alley. Just saying.

When we last saw Rajendra, he had been hit over the head with a mallet by his father, who loved throwing mallets. Rajendra's new, somewhat flatter head made it very easy for him to balance books on it. This lead to Rajendra having the best ramp-walk in all of Sparta.

His head was, in fact, so perfectly flat, that it was used as a standard plane to measure level surfaces. But you had to get him really drunk in order for him to let you do any such thing. Hence the term spirit level. (See, you learnt something today, it's a start)

He was paid handsomely of course, in dashing gold coins, just to walk around a bit. Women would fuss over him endlessly because, as everyone knows, a level man who can walk, is a man of honour.

However, a more severe consequence of Rajendra's new situation was that, as his father before him, the honour went straight to his flat head. He wanted to create things, large things, things that did stuff, and performed actions. Basically, anything.

But his training in any such thing was a bit lacking. Till then, he had focused more on ripping things apart, and fun as that is, it is a bit detrimental to creation.

However, as your mother will tell you, determination and level-headedness will make you accomplish almost anything. (Guess who told her?)

So with great determination and the most level of headedness, Rajendra set about to be an inventor and creator of things.

He went and rapped on Plato's door. Plato responded, and rapped right back at him. They fought it out for sometime and luck shone upon Rajendra that day, as he won, and was given admittance to Plato's Academy. This was a big deal, because in those days, a precious few people could lay down some smooth rhymes.

Rajendra got around very well with philosophers because philosophers sat and a had a long hard think all day and made naughty drawings in the sand when no one was looking. However they all came up with theories every now and then, and Rajendra who didn't know what everyone was thinking about, did not. The idea of making things that did stuff had not escaped him however, and he conveyed this idea to Plato, who wasn't impressed.

Rajendra: I want to make things.

Plato: I'm not impressed.

But Rajendra was big, and he made Plato come around eventually. I've observed that that is a curious ability found in people who can beat you senseless.

R: I want to make things.

P: We don't make things here braw. We conceptualise, we visualise, we ideate. Its all very cool.

R: Ok not really make things, but like tell people how to make things.

P: You know how to make things? But things are made only by common people who don't live near the sand and who get the plague all the time.

R:Well I don't really, but I want to tell people who to go about making things, you know? Like in general.

P: So you really would have some vague idea-

R: You have no idea how general in general is.

P: You'll be a fine philosopher yet my dawg. Now I have to go listen Anaximenes' theory about how everything is made of air. Urgh.

R: Don't slip actual historical facts into our conversation, its very unbecoming.

P: Word. Peace out.

And their conversation was vaguely like that. But when Rajendra wanted to start making things he realized he would get no help from philosophers who were doing a theory battle at the Academy. So he decided on alternate methods of action.

He set about strangling people until he got his first project ( a practice which has since then died out) He also published ads in the local news, which read

Rajendra ( 192cms, Fair Complexion ) seeks project. Will make ___________ that does ______ for honour. Genuine applications only. Age no bar, caste no bar.

His first commission was from the Spartan army, to make a catapult. History books will tell you that the Spartans had nothing to do with catapults. I will tell you why.

Enthusiastic to begin, Rajendra started writing. The phases he broke the process up into are as follows. They are used to this day.

THE CATAPULT

Requirement Elicitation: In this phase Rajendra went about getting the requirements for what the army wanted him to make. He had an interview with the Spartan army, for this.

R: So what are the requirements for what you want me to make?

A.D.(army dude) : I already told you, a catapult.

R: Yeah but what do you require it to do?

A.D.: You don't know? How're you going to make it then?

R: That's why I'm asking you, retard. Now spill it.

A.D.: Throw rocks.

R: Ah. (Scribbles furiously)

A.D.: So you're sure you can do it.

R: Do you want me to hurt you again? Because I will, and I'm not only going to make your catapult, but I'm going to make it using the waterfall model of making things that I've come up with.

A.D.: Water-who?

R: WaterFALL. How did you not hear that? Now piss off. I'll swing by later to hurt you.

Requirement Analysis: In this phase, Rajendra analyzed all that his catapult was supposed to do. He did this by staring at what he had scribbled down for three straight days, and then he realized it was about right.

Design & Implementation: Rajendra then went and selected people who he thought would be able to put his plans into motion. These were all his drinking buddies with shoulder muscles so huge that they'd choke themselves if they flexed. But not too bright when it came to design.

He passed on his requirement documentation to them.

R: Right. Make this.

RMF (Rajendras' Muscular Friends) : Sure.

Verification and Validation: Before Rajendra could begin this phase, Army dude came to Rajendra again.

A.D.: How's the catapult coming along.

R: Swimmingly. I've seen some of the designs, and I have to say that I'm pleased. The team is still designing though.

A.D.: Oh . Listen I told you it has to throw people too right? Its a new thing we're planning to try.

R: WHAT? You said it has to throw rocks, I that's what the whole design is based on!

A.D.: Yeah well a minor change-

R: I went STEPWISE. I've finished the requirement elicitation phase. Its over! OVER!

A.D.: Well you could go back to the previous step-

R: NO WE CAN'T GO BACK TO THE PREVIOUS STEP! Its the waterfall model! WaterFALL! Water FALLS DOWN. How many waterfalls have you seen that go back up? Dick.

A.D.: Well Anaximenes says everything is made of air. Air goes up.

R: Anaximenes is as dumb as they come. Thales says everything is made of water. And Thales has a big house and raps & rhymes the shit of of lines. Who do you think is right?

The Army dude was eventually escorted of the premises by security. Which was basically Rajendra. Point is, they made him go away and carried on with Verification and Validation.

The complete model was brought before Rajendra a few days later.

It consisted of a gigantic man standing on a platform holding a rock. He'd throw the rock when they asked him to. That worked well enough for Rajendra.

Delivery: The finished product was finally delivered to Army dude after the next week, which they spent making the huge guy look pretty.

Needless to say, it wasn't quite what he was expecting. But Rajendra pointed out that it worked very well on paper. A piece of paper that said ' Thing that throws rocks'.

Army dude stormed off saying Rajendra's ideas should stay on paper, but Rajendra the Flat ( a title that didn't work too well for his daughters) understood this completely differently. In his opinion the best part was what he did. And if it worked on paper it was as good as anything philosophers came up with.

Rajendra made people write extensively about the making of things on his behalf, but most of this literature was lost when the library in Alexandria caught fire. (Burn!)

One of his manuscripts survived however, and was rediscovered in America in the 1960s.

There you have it. Its all rubbish, and I would think of a better tail section for this blog, but its ALL RUBBISH. Because I would gladly take rubbish from a small green man who stays deep in the digaba system, but not from a damn cockroach. They are weak in the ways of the force.

Please leave a comment. Pretty please? Because I thought I'd put out this post when I got at least ten comments on the last post. (And you thought I wasn't vain) It took about two months to realise that was never going to happen.

See, comments are good and they make you feel better, but they're a pain to leave. Its like steam inhalation. Unclog your sinuses, leave a comment.

Pessimism and Optimism

Pessimism and Optimism, like most other 'isms, are words. (for isms that are not words, see awesomeism, devaism)

The pessimist-optimist standoff is one of the oldest in history

There seems to be a choice that people need to make. Or one they make without realizing. I think it should be a conscious decision, because making a choice without realizing is like wetting the bed of life's choices. This blog will be your little plastic sheet. That doesn't mean you get to urinate anywhere, just saying

Well I'm writing this post to clear up misconceptions. There is no choice. Only one point of view is right in the long run. And if you've been reading my blog, you probably realize which one.

Cut to horizon, much fanfare, people cheering

Pessimism. Now if you didn't see that coming you really need to read my other posts and warm up to the idea. Because as four out of five doctors will tell you (that fifth one is always an asshole), that hatred keeps you warm. Fact of the matter is, pessimism and its flamboyant elder brother, cynicism, are the way of the future.

The famous established theories on pessimism so far are:

Murphy's Law: if anything can go wrong, it will.

O'Tooles Law: Murphy was an optimist.
Anything that can't go wrong, will go wrong.

And there are more, but there are always more and mentioning those will require to look beyond my current research method, of 'things I already know'

But I don't want to force my views upon you. Not directly, at least. So we'll get to the smart choice between pessimism and optimism, by a rigorous deductive process of 'don't choose the stupid one'

BOLD: that was in bold, and in caps. I'm glad you noticed. Now moving on, I've decided the best way to introduce the subject after already introducing it in the introduction, is an illustrative example.
Yes I do sound like a textbook, but that's because I’ve been forced to read far too many.

Example: Yes, in bold again. This subject isn't really sexy enough for italics. Now I've been fortunate enough to have a conversation with a pessimist, an optimist and a cynic, all of whom occupy different places inside my head

I met pessimist P, optimist O and cynic C, at bons which was close enough for everyone:

Me: I'm glad you guys could make it

O: Always happy
P: I was around
C: Meh

Me: Anyway

P: What the fuck is bons?

Me: It’s this place in the brain

C: It sounds gay
O:That's offensive, C
P: Shut up O-face

Me: Look, I know it’s in the brain. I studied this in school. And it's my fucking head so I know what I'm talking about

O: Sorry
P: Yeah, but it sucks
C: It is your head. For now

Me: Moving along, I'm going to ask you guys some questions, about your opinions about some stuff

O: Sure!
P: Awesome grammar, asshole
C: (yawns) We'll see

Me: Alright, lets decide finally, is the glass half-empty or half full?

O: Half-full!
P: huh?
C: There's a glass?

Me: Umm, okay, imagine a glass. And I pour water in it halfway, and then I leave it. Now is the glass, half-empty, or half full?

O: Half-full!
P: Half-empty
C: It's going to break anyway

Me: Alright, suppose God gave you three wishes that would be granted, what would you wish for?

O: I already have everything I could wish for!
P: That I got everything O wished for, and O would have nothing
C: What's this God person's motivation?

Me: Do you believe in miracles?

O: Of course!
P: No, duh!
C: Do you believe in my foot up your ass?

Me: You know, it's getting really easy to predict your answers

O: I'm sorry!
P: You should have seen that coming
C: So was that a question too?

Me: Interesting, okay. Tough one then, Do you believe in hell?

O: I like to think about happy things
P: Hell-yeah
C: So this isn't hell, then?

Me: Fine, What do you think the nature of existence is?

O: The brain is full of all these pretty colours
P: Everything ends
C: You wouldn't understand if I told you

C: How are you having this conversation with us anyway, I'm the cynic, O is the optimist, P is the pessimist. So what the fuck are you? Besides boring

Me: I am the fucking narrator. And you're in my head so you better shut up, or I'm going to run into a wall really fast

C: Whatever man, you know I'm the dominant part of your brain. Just shut up and let me take control again

Me: This interview is over. P and O, go back to your corners

O:Okay!
P: I knew this interview would end badly

Excuse me while I readjust my consciousness by doing that little dance that you do when you get water in your ear.

Someone did say I was psycho once, and I said
Thanks!
Really?
I knew it!

Anyway now that you have an idea of what we're talking about, I shall begin:

Origins Of Optimism:

In the beginning, Adam, you know, THE Adam, was sitting by a river in the garden of wherever. Adam was an optimist, because nothing was bad. And when everything's good, you tend to be a little positive.
On this particular day, Adam was deciding what his last name should be. And when he had finally decided on Adam Sexy, God came up to him.

"Hello Adam", said God.
"Hi God! I'm Adam Sexy now." said Adam.
"Well of course you are, I've created you in my own image." said God. "Now listen, I gotta talk to you about some stuff. I'm going to make a woman for you, out of this rock, and this piece of cake."
"Well why don't you use one of my ribs?" said Adam, happily as ever.

"You rib? That's messed up" said God, creating a pinstriped suit and putting it in his plane.

"Naah naah, I got too many ribs anyway. I insist." said Adam adjusting his groin-leaf.

"If you insist", said God. "She'll take six to eight weeks to reach, I'll have someone come by later to pick up the rib"

Origins Of Pessimism:

Six to eight weeks later. Adam was sitting by the river, with a chunk of apple stuck in his throat.

Eve: Look it's forbidden fruit, it was such a cliché.

Adam Sexy: You know I have this strange feeling about things to come.

Eve: (rolls her eyes) Oh here we go.

Adam Sexy: Like...things don't always turn out so well.

Eve: Who said they did?

Adam Sexy: But they always did before.

Eve: (mumble about being stuck with a douche bag) Look, pass that half-empty leaf glass. I have to wash this snakeskin bag I made.

Adam Sexy: Half what?

Eve: Meh. I'm going to get it on my own. Adam. Sexy, apparently.

Adam Sexy: you know this apple thing is getting irritating.

Eve: You should have seen it coming.

Adam Sexy: How was I supposed to know something bad was going to happen? Nothing bad's ever happened before.

Eve: Because something bad always happens. Keep that in mind.

And clearly if you have the capacity to read sentences from left to right, you'd realize that Eve was the first pessimist and she would later turn cynic

(FYI: I'm not christian, but I know all this because Christianity has excellent marketing)

Pessimism and Cynicism:

So Pessimism and Cynicism have numerous advantages because they predict that everything, in a sense will always go wrong. Or that negativity towards a potential happening saves a lot of trouble.
And this comes in handy because pessimists and cynics get to say "I told you so."
A LOT.

To this I will now add, I feel an exhaustive summation of the subject thus far. The one thing you need to always keep in mind at any point in your life, which is...

Deva's law Of non-optimism:
Shit happens.
All the time.

(Consider the rest, a foot note, if you're ever confused)

NOT Pessimism:

Emo: Is short for emotional. That's right, emotional. Emo's are full of angst, and pain, and have terribly depressing outlooks on life. But be warned that this is not pessimism.
Pessimism is the intellectual understanding of the historic background to why the outcome of something is going to suck.
And no pessimist is going to get EMOTIONAL ABOUT IT.
If anything Emo, is a very very distant cousin of pessimism, who refuses to come out of the closet.

If you've read this leave a comment. But my cynicism sees very few comments in the future. Just leave some kind of sign.

Do something, be creative.