Return of the cockroaches

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE DIRECTED BY YOUR MOTHER.

Okay, not really. But it is a very cool thing to say. Now getting swiftly back to the topic, which of course was:

Your Mom

Ok, that's enough. Now watch this segue to our actual topic of discussion:

Rajendra

This is a continuation of the last blog post, so go read it if you haven't, otherwise you will be attacked by popcorn in a dark alley. Just saying.

When we last saw Rajendra, he had been hit over the head with a mallet by his father, who loved throwing mallets. Rajendra's new, somewhat flatter head made it very easy for him to balance books on it. This lead to Rajendra having the best ramp-walk in all of Sparta.

His head was, in fact, so perfectly flat, that it was used as a standard plane to measure level surfaces. But you had to get him really drunk in order for him to let you do any such thing. Hence the term spirit level. (See, you learnt something today, it's a start)

He was paid handsomely of course, in dashing gold coins, just to walk around a bit. Women would fuss over him endlessly because, as everyone knows, a level man who can walk, is a man of honour.

However, a more severe consequence of Rajendra's new situation was that, as his father before him, the honour went straight to his flat head. He wanted to create things, large things, things that did stuff, and performed actions. Basically, anything.

But his training in any such thing was a bit lacking. Till then, he had focused more on ripping things apart, and fun as that is, it is a bit detrimental to creation.

However, as your mother will tell you, determination and level-headedness will make you accomplish almost anything. (Guess who told her?)

So with great determination and the most level of headedness, Rajendra set about to be an inventor and creator of things.

He went and rapped on Plato's door. Plato responded, and rapped right back at him. They fought it out for sometime and luck shone upon Rajendra that day, as he won, and was given admittance to Plato's Academy. This was a big deal, because in those days, a precious few people could lay down some smooth rhymes.

Rajendra got around very well with philosophers because philosophers sat and a had a long hard think all day and made naughty drawings in the sand when no one was looking. However they all came up with theories every now and then, and Rajendra who didn't know what everyone was thinking about, did not. The idea of making things that did stuff had not escaped him however, and he conveyed this idea to Plato, who wasn't impressed.

Rajendra: I want to make things.

Plato: I'm not impressed.

But Rajendra was big, and he made Plato come around eventually. I've observed that that is a curious ability found in people who can beat you senseless.

R: I want to make things.

P: We don't make things here braw. We conceptualise, we visualise, we ideate. Its all very cool.

R: Ok not really make things, but like tell people how to make things.

P: You know how to make things? But things are made only by common people who don't live near the sand and who get the plague all the time.

R:Well I don't really, but I want to tell people who to go about making things, you know? Like in general.

P: So you really would have some vague idea-

R: You have no idea how general in general is.

P: You'll be a fine philosopher yet my dawg. Now I have to go listen Anaximenes' theory about how everything is made of air. Urgh.

R: Don't slip actual historical facts into our conversation, its very unbecoming.

P: Word. Peace out.

And their conversation was vaguely like that. But when Rajendra wanted to start making things he realized he would get no help from philosophers who were doing a theory battle at the Academy. So he decided on alternate methods of action.

He set about strangling people until he got his first project ( a practice which has since then died out) He also published ads in the local news, which read

Rajendra ( 192cms, Fair Complexion ) seeks project. Will make ___________ that does ______ for honour. Genuine applications only. Age no bar, caste no bar.

His first commission was from the Spartan army, to make a catapult. History books will tell you that the Spartans had nothing to do with catapults. I will tell you why.

Enthusiastic to begin, Rajendra started writing. The phases he broke the process up into are as follows. They are used to this day.

THE CATAPULT

Requirement Elicitation: In this phase Rajendra went about getting the requirements for what the army wanted him to make. He had an interview with the Spartan army, for this.

R: So what are the requirements for what you want me to make?

A.D.(army dude) : I already told you, a catapult.

R: Yeah but what do you require it to do?

A.D.: You don't know? How're you going to make it then?

R: That's why I'm asking you, retard. Now spill it.

A.D.: Throw rocks.

R: Ah. (Scribbles furiously)

A.D.: So you're sure you can do it.

R: Do you want me to hurt you again? Because I will, and I'm not only going to make your catapult, but I'm going to make it using the waterfall model of making things that I've come up with.

A.D.: Water-who?

R: WaterFALL. How did you not hear that? Now piss off. I'll swing by later to hurt you.

Requirement Analysis: In this phase, Rajendra analyzed all that his catapult was supposed to do. He did this by staring at what he had scribbled down for three straight days, and then he realized it was about right.

Design & Implementation: Rajendra then went and selected people who he thought would be able to put his plans into motion. These were all his drinking buddies with shoulder muscles so huge that they'd choke themselves if they flexed. But not too bright when it came to design.

He passed on his requirement documentation to them.

R: Right. Make this.

RMF (Rajendras' Muscular Friends) : Sure.

Verification and Validation: Before Rajendra could begin this phase, Army dude came to Rajendra again.

A.D.: How's the catapult coming along.

R: Swimmingly. I've seen some of the designs, and I have to say that I'm pleased. The team is still designing though.

A.D.: Oh . Listen I told you it has to throw people too right? Its a new thing we're planning to try.

R: WHAT? You said it has to throw rocks, I that's what the whole design is based on!

A.D.: Yeah well a minor change-

R: I went STEPWISE. I've finished the requirement elicitation phase. Its over! OVER!

A.D.: Well you could go back to the previous step-

R: NO WE CAN'T GO BACK TO THE PREVIOUS STEP! Its the waterfall model! WaterFALL! Water FALLS DOWN. How many waterfalls have you seen that go back up? Dick.

A.D.: Well Anaximenes says everything is made of air. Air goes up.

R: Anaximenes is as dumb as they come. Thales says everything is made of water. And Thales has a big house and raps & rhymes the shit of of lines. Who do you think is right?

The Army dude was eventually escorted of the premises by security. Which was basically Rajendra. Point is, they made him go away and carried on with Verification and Validation.

The complete model was brought before Rajendra a few days later.

It consisted of a gigantic man standing on a platform holding a rock. He'd throw the rock when they asked him to. That worked well enough for Rajendra.

Delivery: The finished product was finally delivered to Army dude after the next week, which they spent making the huge guy look pretty.

Needless to say, it wasn't quite what he was expecting. But Rajendra pointed out that it worked very well on paper. A piece of paper that said ' Thing that throws rocks'.

Army dude stormed off saying Rajendra's ideas should stay on paper, but Rajendra the Flat ( a title that didn't work too well for his daughters) understood this completely differently. In his opinion the best part was what he did. And if it worked on paper it was as good as anything philosophers came up with.

Rajendra made people write extensively about the making of things on his behalf, but most of this literature was lost when the library in Alexandria caught fire. (Burn!)

One of his manuscripts survived however, and was rediscovered in America in the 1960s.

There you have it. Its all rubbish, and I would think of a better tail section for this blog, but its ALL RUBBISH. Because I would gladly take rubbish from a small green man who stays deep in the digaba system, but not from a damn cockroach. They are weak in the ways of the force.

Please leave a comment. Pretty please? Because I thought I'd put out this post when I got at least ten comments on the last post. (And you thought I wasn't vain) It took about two months to realise that was never going to happen.

See, comments are good and they make you feel better, but they're a pain to leave. Its like steam inhalation. Unclog your sinuses, leave a comment.