Most of you would have often found yourself with a badgering impulse to write poetry, but you couldn’t write it just because you have no talent. Or you already manage to write poetry, and are keenly looking out for ways to maximize your douchebaggery.
Well have no fear, people, for this is where I come in.
Having years of experience in being large, reading (read: criticizing) poetry, and using way too many commas, I can help you get in a position where you feel comfortable rhyming all kinds of words.
There are many ways to go about doing this.
1. Eating up words: This works best for minimalistic poetry, which is often regarded as the best kind. The idea behind such poetry is that less words keep most things unexplained. Having most things unexplained leaves extra room for people to fancy you smarter than you actually are, and if you go sport long sideburns or have a vivid last name like Longfellow (yes. I know!), then people will fill the gaps you’ve left in your poem with insights that you probably don’t have.
Looks like someone found my secret stash,
I can tell because it's muddled,
I hope that man doesn’t reveal those secrets,
Some of those are a bit weird, and a little strange.
Now omit a whole bunch of words. You may do this by blindfolding a gullible friend and have him point at areas in your poem.
Man doesn’t reveal,
Some are weird and little.
2. Play with opposites: I’m safely assuming that you know what opposites are... I don’t just mean words, I mean themes. Whatever may be your broad theme in a poetic sentence, reverse that shit!
I am everything, I am nothing
I be lovin’, I be hatin’
I like staring, I hate staring.
This is all great when you have no broad sense of theme, you're basically whirling around in the dark in a room full of pillows, like a useless metaphor in a paragraph, used to take space. And time.
But then, if you, in fact, have no theme, then be warned. Pulling words out of nowhere and, say it with me, reversing that shit! Will sometimes lead to unforeseen results.
I'm not a pedophile, I am a pedophile.
3. Fun with punctuation: Everyone uses some punctuation. At least everyone I know use punctuation. But there is more to punctuation than meets the eye, and more punctuation that meets the eye. The abandoned ones are ominously more badass. I'm talking about:
The badass colon:
It incidentally, is not an adult movie. Okay, it might be, but that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about this little fellow ':'
We can use colon for many things. (Fuck you perverts!)
The most common use in poetry is for a 'because', or to show a result of something. Why?
Because that means less words, that's why!
We laughed: He fell down the stairs.
We're unkind, we're not unkind
Notice the edge in the first line. That's because colons are awesome. (Again, fuck you perverts. Enough with the giggling!)
The badass semicolon:
Ha! Can't make any more jokes? I guess you can, but they lack that dominant colon-related vigor.
Now technically, rules for using semicolons are tediously confusing and annoyingly way too many for aspiring poets to understand. But I say use them whenever or wherever the hell you want. You're not writing for a major publication anyway. If you are though, could you put in a good word? I've always been nice to you.
I'm not a pedophile; I wonder if these children know that,
I am uncertain about tea: Hate tea; love iced-tea
Interpretation of Poetry
This happens to be the most rascalised field of English literature. That being said, if it's not immediately clear what the remains of a poem are about, then it is, by rule about whatever you feel like.
(Fun fact: Poems are also called 'lays'. Joke on chips.)
Most things are about life.
While you're at it, they're mostly 'bitter remarks' or 'dark commentaries' on something.
If not life it might be about politics.
Otherwise it's about God.
All the famous ones are intrinsically traumatic.
Stroke your chin, nod up and down then say 'ah, that does reflect on his psyche'.
If it's a Charles Bukowski poem, then back off. That guy's awesome.
Don't comment on the fact that it doesn't rhyme. Never!
Poetry bears meaning largely to the poet. It’s one thing to just read it, totally another thing to feel it and try to understand the thought behind the poem. What many of you find pretentious may just be someone pouring their heart out. You may need to be in a particular emotional state to truly connect with a piece of poetry and then absorb whatever it is that it puts forth.
Or you can go fuck yourself.
I shall tail off this blog with some poetry that I wrote.
Recently, I’ve been puking a lot
I weigh myself; before and after puking
Just to see how much dignity I’ve lost
Puking: I love it sometimes, I hate it most of the times
I wish I got wasted as often as my potential does
The Who wrote the song Magic Bus.
I expect you to tell me how to maximize its potential.