Tuesday, 6 January 2015

How blogs will bring about The Apocalypse

That's right. The apocalypse. It means the end of the world, well not really, but I'll get back to that.

So, after intensive critical thinking, I've come up with the reason why blogs will cause the apocalypse.
Here we go.

A lot of blogs (NOT THIS ONE) just keep track of the respective blogger's lives. Which is fine by me, because some people like to keep track of what other people do.
But my cynicism alone is not enough for a end of the world scenario involving blogs.

We've seen as science and technology has progressed, there's been an increasing fascination with recording the present.
It started off with cave men drawing very poorly on their walls. but in their defense, it was quite modern.
Then all the emperors who had 2-D portraits of themselves made, so you could choose which profile looked better and cut off the hands of whoever dared to paint them in any other way.
And then, like oregano with pizza, came the photograph.
Photographs were a threat when they first came out I assume, but since you have no frame of reference, just roll (observe this gentle pun) with me. People were apprehensive of cameras, giving various reasons, including how cameras captured your soul or god never meant for people to remember things properly. But all these reasons uncannily disappeared when cameras became cheaper.
The Video camera marked the end of a beginning. It allowed people to record the present and watch it later.
Philosophers had a tough time accepting this.
Famous philosopher Sevashish Dhrivastava said, "If you record something, you're recording the present. But it's continuously becoming the past because it's the present while you record it, but not the present after you've recorded it. It's like reliving an earlier present that became the past. There's no living in the moment."  and then he exploded, like many philosophers before him.

Based on the current scenario, it's fair to say that people who maintain a record of what's happening via video, photos, or whatever are not doing anything accept recording what's happening i.e what someone else is doing.
So based on some complex mathematics far beyond the scope of this blog, let's say:

50% of people do things.
50% of people record things that other 50% do.

But now everyone takes pics of everything, for personal enjoyment, or for greater evil (see PPC's). The number of blogs is exponentially increasing and so is the number of people who record stuff on them.
So in the near future,

100% of people will record things.
0% of people will do things.

The world will plunge into a never before seen state of anarchy, but in a very sophisticated and evolved form where everyone waits for someone else to do something they could record.
But no one will do anything.
And eventually, everyone dies of hunger (and that too, at the same time, so no one gets to talk about how others died of hunger)

YOU can make a difference and prevent this. Read ONLY my blog. Do not start your own blog. If you do have a blog, set fire to the server that has your data and construct a monument for me out of the charred remains.

So like I was saying, The apocalypse is the end of the world.
Well, believe it or not, it actually means "revelation of god's will".
So how did "revelation of god's will" got turned into "end of the world"?
Because in most religions, God is portrayed as quite mean. And not explicitly of course, because as most religious texts will tell you, god will fuck you up for saying things like that.

Ganges 16:92 "The lord said, if thou ever talk'st shit behind my back, I will open up the heavens and shit shall rain down upon thee like so many edm songs."

Or something like that. I do remember the part about the edm.

Personally, I'm looking forward to revelation of god's will. I hope he leaves me a plane or something.
But that's another full blog post.

Also, if you read this and don't comment, I will hurt you.
I have Google Analytics and I'm not afraid to use it.


  1. "Famous philosopher"..that too SVD and not DVS .... Lol..then..."ganges......" ???? ...hahahahaha......how about we set up your data srvrs on fire and in order to keep the value of "summmation N" (where N is the number of blogs) constant....anyone of us starts our own blog...;-) :-p
    Lol....... And also about that 50% thing. Get your statistics right...... Its not and will never be 1:1 ...... So this hypothetical apocalypse of urs..is nvr gonna tk plce ..:-p >:p :-p .... Nai yar....mzaak alag ..but mast h ye post....ek fms phlsphr nd gnges wala to boht hi funny tha....Good one :-)

    1. Thank you phantom person, I guess!
      In my defense about the 50% thing, I mentioned that the calculations that led to the stat was beyond our scope... maths would make this blog boring, wouldn't it?

  2. This was a good refreshing read with an elegant use of humor and satire. Nice job!

    "And then, like oregano with pizza, came the photograph."
    You have no idea how much I have loved this line :D

    1. Thanks Sakshi. :-)
      I will be back with some more lines that you'll love (hopefully!), so don't shy away from browsing through this establishment once in a while (or more than that!) :-P